Self-insert: Comfortable ''Cringe''

Incredible, it's October already. A month many people enjoy due to different reasons... personally, I like it because it's my birth month! But I digress. This is a rather long entry, I apologize in advance. All aboard!

Not long ago, I noticed that user Bechnokid posted a blog entry titled "Being a Doctor Strange Fan is Strangely Frustrating: Thoughts and Feelings". Alas, I cannot comment much about the main topic of the entry, for I'm not interested in Marvel. Yet, it was an interesting read! Even for someone like me, a Stranger (haha) to the source. I am familiar with the frustration that comes to Strange (ok I stop now) writing decisions on media you like by the creators themselves.

However, there's something she wrote at the end that caught my attention: "Do any of you have opinions about series/characters/etc. that you're passionate about, but are otherwise too scared to say on social media? If so, have you felt like Neocities or other personal sites are safer places to speak? I'd love to hear any thoughts. :3"

I do! Verrry much so. But let's focus on the self-insert side of it today. I'm aware she won't see this entry, since this a rather humble website. But one of the reasons I made this site was to share what I wished with no fear. And I guess... it isn't bad to share some Yomiel Lore(tm) from time to time?

For anyone that checks any of my profiles, you'll immediately notice that a big chunk of the content I make is self-insert. It has been a part of me for several years, after all. But it wasn't always like this. This is a bittersweet story that is still on-going to this day.

I've always crushed on fictional characters easily, but I didn't really explore the 'what-ifs' until the arrival of a game called Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective. I was so excited about it, I remember I'd watch walkthroughs of it in Japanese. I didn't understand a single word, but I was too impatient to wait for the Spanish release (which I bought as soon as I could). 'Twas the birth of my nickname: Yomiel!

I filled countless notebooks with self-insert art and fics- which weren't very good, considering I was a pre-teen girl that didn't use the computer a lot, so I was alone on my experience. But I was happy.

The whole thing kept growing from here. I got into more games, and then I really got into anime. I just kept making s/i art and fics, and I even shared some of it in online forums. I apologize for making many college-aged students read my amateur fanfics, but also thankful for giving me advice in how to improve my writing instead of mocking me. It was sweet (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

Inspired by those advices, I also started to RP in forums. Mostly as an already existing character, but I was also in a handful of original RP forums too. I was in many of them, since they were my main source of entertainment online before I got into any social media. And yes, I used to RP! This surprises many friends, for some reason. This is when I started to experience the fun of interpreting characters differently, learning about the freedom of re-writing a character however you wanted just because you can.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♡ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Forums started dying, so I had to find another site where I could share my content. Then I stumbled upon DeviantArt. I was intimidated by it. My English was horrible!! I had no idea how I was gonna understand others. But I got an account anyway. This is when things started to get worse.

It wasn't bad at first! This is the time when I really started to develop my original content, the birth of some of my classics such as The Windmill among other stories, which together became Tales of Past Heroes. My page was small, barely noticed, but I had fun with the little social circle I gathered.

That is, until I started to share the self-insert content. Intense fans of the canon characters found me, and started to harass me to the point of death threats. Heartbroken, I left and swore I'd never return to dA, which I still do to this day. I made a Tumblr account a bit before all this, so I moved there. I also swore off self-insert forever. This was painful, since I found comfort in it. I was around 14 years old at the time.

More time passed. I got used to Tumblr: I started to share my original content, got into lots of different media and met fans, some of them will eventually become friends. Others would become friends and then ghost me, which only worsened my self-esteem issues that were born time prior with the whole harassing deal. This break-up wounded me deeply, and I spent a whole year alone. Fresh out of high school, no friends, my mother acting weirdly around me after I came out to her, who dragged me to work at my father's restaurant to 'met real, normal people!' It was a rough year.

The only thing keeping me from doing anything 'stupid' was games and anime. I got into certain anime in 2016, to the point where I joined a server related to it. I met a lot of great people there, who made awesome content for it- including fan OCs. A LOT of it, actually. A part of me wanted to join them, but I was still hurt by past experiences. I hesitated for a long time, not daring to do anything in a whole year. But eventually I gave in, I made an OC. I even shared some... vague mentions of maybe shipping her with this canon character I really liked. Just a fun idea! Nothing serious, I promise.

They actually liked what I shared, and encouraged me to develop those ideas! Thus I shared what I had in mind, lot of it being thought of as I kept typing. I felt like I was giving a TED talk! Some of them even suggested their own ideas to help me. It felt verrry good to go back to that comfortable place
I was 18 years old when I made self-insert again.

I'll turn 24 later this month, on the 31st. I still deal with deep confidence issues and low self-esteem. There's a lot of self-insert content that has been deleted during my lowest moment, thinking that no one cared. That I was annoying everyone around me, my friends only 'deal with me' because they don't wanna be rude. My heart still bleeds by those hurtful actions suffered all those years ago. But slowly, I'm recovering. I remind myself:

✦ My friends do love me and don't think of me as a burden!
✦ I'm not dumb for being vocal about the things I enjoy!
✦ I'm not 'cringe' for making self-insert!
And if someone doesn't like me, they can just hit the bricks!!!

Be kind to yourself, no matter what. It took me almost a lustrum to realize that.

Thanks for your company!

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