Date: 24/03/2026 03:57 CET
Track: I Didn’t Just Come Here To Dance - Carly Rae Jepsen
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(CW: big ass wall of text incoming)
We meet again, after so long.
I have this bad(?) habit of disappearing often online. I'll pop in, do my thing, and then I'm gone.
This isn't something I do on purpose. I'm absolutely awful at remembering things, and one of them is to exist. I spent so many years as a teen used to staying on my own little garden, now as an adult I want to see beyond that garden. But I just don't know how to do it. Admittedly, when it comes to taking that first step, starting a new things, I'm my worst enemy. I hesitate, I overthink all the possible bad outcomes, self-doubt so strong that I go back home.
And I go back to my garden, closing the gate behind me. This isn't about popularity online. This is about yearning for human connection.
Back in January, my grandma died. She was pretty old and weak, so it was expected. Cycle of life, after all. She's told me many anecdotes about her life, good and bad. And I only can assume that she lived a good life, despite the hardships. I'm not religious, but she was, and I hope she's with those loved ones she lost and cherished so much.
There's a point to this. Her passing was sad, but time passes by. It's been almost two months at the time of writing this, we're all going on with our lives. And I see my siblings or my father each go out by themselves, meet with their friends or whatever plans they had... and then there's me. I stay at home, no plans and no one to hang out with irl, and the garden has become a sinkhole.
When I was younger with my first job, I was fine with this! That first job was very taxing and I was just exhausted mentally and physically everyday. But the years has passed, I changed jobs. A job that now is kinder to me (and a better schedule lol). And I find myself not enjoying being at home so much anymore. Thus the desire for more comes back. Even me, the most cowardly person, gets tired of curling up in her den to avoid being hurt. Guess I can still surprise myself.
It has started with small things. I've been journaling for a year now, mixed with scrapbooking, and it's been fun (little fact: I'm a big fan of stationary). I even make kandi sometimes! (another fact: I've been a fan of rave culture since I was a kid ( ‵▽′)ψ) And some years ago, I started wax sealing. I always wanted to do these crafty things when I was a kid! But my mom always said no :p
Anyway, I started these things to break routine as well as to not be so much in front of a computer or the phone. They're fun, good for my mood, and all done from the comfort of my house. But enough time has passed that I yearn for more once more. My flaws perhaps. I always wanting more when things are at peace. Regardless, one of my local libraries has organized a reading club. And, amazing but true, I actually went there and signed up all by myself (← silly I know, yet I struggle a lot with things like this because my default state of being is feeling like a burden anywhere I go). We'll see how that goes!
I don't know where I was going with this rambling. I needed to empty the attic in my head, I suppose. I disappear sometimes, but I always come back. If you read all of this, thank you and take care.
